euphamism

Grigori Rasputin, a Serbian faith-healer, served as advisor to the ill-fated Romanov family for many years until his assassination in 1916. Known by many as “The Mad Monk”, he has been alternately nicknamed “Russia’s Greatest Lover” due in part to the legend that in life, he sported a thirteen inch penis. Unfortunately, this legend also claims Rasputin’s member did not accompany him to the grave. There are two tales of how he parted ways with his peter; In one account, he was castrated by his assassins. The following day, the maid came to clean and being so impressed by Little Rasputin’s size, decided to keep it as a prized possession for the rest of her days. Another tale claims one of his former lovers took it as a souvenir following Grigori’s autopsy. Today, nearly a century after Rasputin’s murder, no one knows for certain whether or not he even did lose his schlong… After all, it was sch-long ago. Historical accounts provide evidence that a penis, believed to be Rasputin’s, was kept in its own little wooden coffin and worshiped in 1920s Paris by Russian ex-patriots in hopes the one-eyed monster would grant them fertility. However, it is believed this once-worshiped wiener may have been a literal wiener or other phallic object only rumored to have belonged to the famous faith healer. As most know, it would not be uncommon for a man to falsely claim his penis was thirteen inches; However, The Mad Monk’s member’s measurements do come from a reputable source. His daughter, Marie Rasputin, was the one who announced his size when she demanded her father’s penis be returned to her. She went onto assert it was only thirteen inches when flaccid and much larger when erect. Marie then commented, “Not that I would know, but…”. Once her dad’s dick was returned, Marie held onto this piece of her father until she died in California in 1977. Following her death, the cock mysteriously disappeared.

Several years later it reappeared, this time in the hands of Michael Augustine who claimed to have found the “piece” in a velvet pouch along with some of Marie’s manuscripts he had purchased at an estate sale. When he attempted to sell it to Bonham’s auction house, the penis was found to be a dried up sea cucumber. It is unclear whether the sea cucumber had been the same “penis” worshiped in France and possessed by Marie, or if it was an attempt at phallic forgery by Mr. Augustine. Either way, Rasputin’s pickled pecker was supposedly rediscovered again, this time contained in a jar of preservative fluids. It was bought from a French antiquarian for $8,000 in 2004 by a Russian doctor for display in his museum. Rasputin’s pickled pecker can be viewed today in St. Petersburg at the Russian Museum of Erotica alongside 15,000 other “sex objects”. Zoologists who have seen the majestic fandangled mandingler at the museum say it is most likely belonged to a horse or other bovine creature. To further support the widely held belief that the St. Petersburg peter is also a fake, all early accounts describe it as being mummified as opposed to preserved in formaldehyde. Nevertheless, it makes for an incredibly appropriate legend to pass down to your children. Perhaps if you are lucky, one of them will keep your penis in a little baggie and make sure everyone remembers how large and lengthy your ‘legacy’ was long after your demise.

From the same demented mind that brought you The Post-Mortem Post: FREAK

For more information on the Russian Museum of Erotica visit: http://stpetersburgrussia.ru/museums/erotic_museum
Or for our Russian speaking readers visit: http://www.museros.ru/

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The phrase, “Kick the Bucket” was first mentioned in The Dictionary of Vulgar Tongue, published in 1785, and defines it as simply meaning, “To die.”. This idiom, which may imply a hanging death either by one’s own hand or execution is of unknown origin, though there are many theories on what spawned the widespread use of this popular saying.
Again in 1823, the phrase was published, this time in John Badcock’s Slang Dictionary along with a brief, plausible explanation: “One Bolsover having hung himself from a beam while standing on a pail, or bucket, kicked the vessel away in order to pry into futurity and it was all UP with him from that moment: Finis.” This anecdote about a Bolsover (Bolsover is a town in England, in this instance the word is used to describe a resident of Bolsover) hanging himself with the aid of a bucket may be the actual origin story of the phrase, or just an early example of an incredibly crass and morbid joke. Either way, it would make perfect sense to most that the term, “Kicking the Bucket” would come from a person dying at the end of a noose once a bucket is removed, or kicked out from underneath them. However, many more obscure explanations have been offered up over the years.
Alternatively, in past centuries, the word “bucket” has been used interchangeably with the words “beam” and “yolk”, therefore, it is speculated that the saying refers to the “beam” or “bucket” on which pigs are hung to be slaughtered. In this instance, “Kick the Bucket” would describe the struggling, suspended pigs kicking the beam they are hung on before death.
It could even date as far back as the 16th century, to a Latin Proverb known as ‘Capra Scyrica’. Found in the Emblemata, a collection of Latin Proverbs published by Italian writer and jurist Alciati in 1524, ‘Capra Scyrica’ reads, “Because you have spoilt your fine beginnings with a shameful end and turned your service into harm, you have done what the she-goat does when she kicks the bucket that holds her milk and with her hoof squanders her own riches.”. This, of course, is a more metaphorical interpretation regarding the death of one’s reputation, as opposed to one’s actual demise; However, it is possible the phrase did arise from a less literal origin.
Catholics insist this phrase came from their religion’s traditional use of holy water buckets, postmortem. In Relics of Poetry, The Right Reverend Abbot Horne explains, ” After death, when a body has been laid out… the holy water bucket was brought to the church and put at the feet of the corpse. When friends came to pray… they would sprinkle the body with holy water.” As you may already know, when people die, their muscles relax completely which would inevitably cause them to stretch out their legs. Reverend Horne confidentially asserted, “It is easy to see how such a saying as “Kicking the Bucket” came about. Many other explanations of this saying have been given by persons who are unacquainted with Catholic custom.”

From the same demented mind that brought you The Post-Mortem Post: FREAK