THE WALKING DEAD: Indonesia

  

 In villages occupied by the Toraja people located in the mountains of South Sulawesi, Indonesia, Shamans have been raising the dead for centuries. While we might refer to the Indonesian walking dead as “zombies”, they are known by the Toraja people as “Rolang”, or “the corpse who stands up”. The only major difference between the Western world’s idea of a traditional zombie and the Indonesian version is that many people have witnessed the Rolang and luckily, they do not crave human flesh. According to the religious beliefs of the Toraja people, in order for a deceased person to reach the afterlife known as “Puya” or “The Land of Souls”, their corpse must be returned to the place of their birth for burial.

 Prior to the Dutch colonization of this area in the 20th century, the Toraja people lived in remote villages without roads connecting one to the other. Due to the difficulty of treading terrain in this mountainous region, people were terrified to journey too far in fears that their body could not be returned to their birthplace in the event of their demise. The Toraja’s beliefs state that if the body is not returned to the corpse’s village of birth, the soul will never reach Puya and will forever wander around in limbo, confused by their unfamiliar surroundings. In order to aid in transporting corpses, Shamans would be called upon to temporarily raise the dead so that they could walk back to their birthplace on their own in order to attend their funeral and begin their journey to Puya. Every August, a ritual known as Ma’nene or “The Ceremony of Cleaning Corpses” takes place.

Corpse cleaning, grooming and redressing during Ma’nene

During this time, families exhume the bodies of deceased relatives in order to wash them, groom them, change their clothes and repair their coffins. The bodies are taken to the place of their death, then back to their grave in the village of origin. Often the deceased are paraded around the village in straight lines during the journey in order to observe the living;

 This is done out of respect to the ‘Hyang’, unseen spiritual entities with supernatural powers who reside in mountains, hills and volcanoes and may only move in straight lines.

 Simple wooden caskets are placed into limestone cliffs in order to make it easier for the bodies to be retrieved for Ma’nene. Some of these limestone burial caves are so old that many coffins have rotted away leaving nothing but skeleton; Some belonging to people who died 1,000 years ago.

 Generally coffins belonging to children and infants are suspended from the sides of these limestone cliffs with rope. Once the rope rots and the coffin falls, new ropes are simply reattached and the coffin is hung once more. Infants who die before beginning teething are buried in Baby Grave Trees. [Read all about The Baby Grave Tree here]

 The Toraja, who are known as skilled woodworkers carve life-sized wooden effigies for high-status villagers which are called “Tau-Tau” and are also displayed on these limestone burial cliffs. Often, the Tau-Tau are dressed with the deceased’s favorite piece of jewelry or clothing. In the Toraja culture, more importance is placed on funerals and The Ceremony of Cleaning Corpses than births and marriages.

 In addition to returning to their place of birth, Toraja people believe that for a soul to reach Puya, all relatives of the family, no matter how far away, must attend the deceased’s funeral. Due to this stipulation, it can take several weeks, even several months, for the funeral to take place. While awaiting burial, the corpse is taken to a traditional ‘Tongkonan’ house. These houses are used almost exclusively as a place to keep the deceased before burial, similar to a funeral home. Tongkonan houses pass down from generation to generation and cannot be bought or sold according to the Toraja culture.


These elaborate houses are adorned with buffalo horns which are considered to be a symbol of wealth. The roofs’ shape symbolizes prows of the ships which carried the ancient Toraja people to the land they inhabit today. Less wealthy families may instead keep their loved one inside a room of their own home. Prior to burial the corpse is treated somewhat like an actual living person; The body will be washed, groomed, have changes of clothing and will even be offered daily meals.

 It is not uncommon for a visitor to thank the corpse for being a good host. The main reason the deceased are treated so much like the living is because the Toraja people believe it takes many, many years to reach Puya and that in some sense, the deceased remain with their bodies until they complete the voyage. Once all relatives (and the corpse) have arrived in the deceased’s village of birth, the funeral festivities may begin.  those attending the funeral will gather in ceremonial sites called “Rante”. Usually, hundreds of people are in attendance at Toraja funerals and for the wealthy, a massive feast is held which may last for several days. It is believed that for the soul to reach Puya more quickly, it is nessesary that blood is spilled at the funeral; The more blood spilled, the faster the journey into the afterlife will be. For this reason, buffalo and pigs are sacrificed at the ceremony. The installment of a new Tau-Tau requires the sacrifice of no less than 29 buffaloes and 59 pigs. For an exceptionally wealthy citizen, dozens of buffalo and hundreds of pigs will be slaughtered while those in attendance sing, dance and try to catch the animals’ blood with bamboo straws. Sometimes cockfights called “bulangan londong” are also held.

 Family will offer the corpse items they feel will be needed for the journey into the afterlife (commonly money and cigarettes). In modern times, bodies are usually transported in cars which means there is not much need for the walking dead; However, it is claimed that Shamans often attend funeral celebrations and can use the same magic to cause a slaughtered buffalo to get up and walk after it has been beheaded. This is to prove the same magic used to create Rolang is still practiced by the Toraja Shamans today. When Rolang was a popular method of transporting corpses to their burial site, special runners would go ahead of these walking dead (who were usually accompanied by a Shaman and family members) to warn people on the path and in villages that a corpse would be shambling through shortly.

 Once temporarily reanimated, the corpse would be expressionless, unresponsive, and only able to perform the most basic of functions such as walking. If anyone were to address the corpse by name or unnecessarily touch the body (in a hug, for instance) the corpse would immediately collapse and sometimes, disappear. These migrations to the corpse’s birthplace were also conducted in straight lines and were silent, somber affairs which could take many days, weeks or even months if the person had journeyed too far from home before their demise.

 The practice remains a complete mystery and although most young people of the Toraja culture do not believe in this ancient practice, the older Toraja population swear it to be real saying it is now only practiced in some areas where it is necessary such as the remote village of Mamases. The practice of regularly exhuming and cleaning corpses can be found in a few other parts of the world such as Madagascar. Unfortunately, it is believed to be a large part of why the bubonic plague, also known as the Black Death is still prevalent in that area. During the 14th century, the Black Death killed an approximate 200 million people. The disease can last in an infected corpse for several years, putting those who exhume and handle deceased infected bodies at risk of contracting the notoriously deadly disease.
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Photos courtesy Reuters, The Associated Press, Sijori Images and Mongabay.com

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Be sure to read about another bizarre funeral rite of the Toraja, The Baby Grave Tree
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A Witness to Spontaneous Human Combustion & Other Stories of SHC

The body of Alexander Morrison covered in slates from the roof which fell on top of his remains after the fire.

The body of Alexander Morrison covered in slates from the roof which fell on top of his remains after the fire.

The body of Ginette Kazmierczak

The body of Ginette Kazmierczak

Jeannie Saffin 
The only known case of Spontaneous Human Combustion which was witnessed was that of Jeannie Saffin of London, England on September 15, 1982. Jeannie Saffin was 61 years of age but had the mental capabilities of a six year old and lived with her 82-year-old father, Jack Saffin. While in the kitchen, Jack noticed a bright flash out of the corner of his eye. Turning to Jeannie to ask if she had seen it as well as, Jack Saffin noticed his daughter was on fire, sitting perfectly still with her hands in her lap. Don Carroll, Jack’s son-in-law entered the house just in time to see Jeannie in flames. Jack and Don rushed her to the sink in an attempt to stop the fire from consuming her but it was too late. Jeannie went into a coma and died eight days later. The flesh on her face, hands and abdomen had entirely burnt away to the subcutaneous fat. Don Carrol claims he saw flames coming from Jeannie’s mouth and said she was “roaring like a dragon” although no burns were found in Jeannie’s mouth. While perhaps Mr. Carroll was exaggerating just a bit, many instances of supposed spontaneous combustion witnessed in the 1400s-1600s claim similar phenomenon. One example is the case of Polonus Vortius, a knight in Milan, France who died sometime between 1468-1503 during the reign of Queen Bona Sforza. The parents of Polonus Vortius claimed he drank “two ladles of strong wine” then vomited fire and was consumed by the flames. At the time of Jeannie Saffin’s death the only source of ignition was the pilot light in the gas stove. On the day of the incident, she was wearing nylon which investigators blame for her death. Jack Saffin had earlier emptied the ashes from his pipe before reloading it with fresh tobacco. Investigators theorized an ember fell on Jeannie, remained there for quite some time as Jack reloaded his pipe, only later to set Jeannie’s clothes on fire when Don Carroll entered the house and a gust of wind stirred the ember. Technically this would be possible but it is a bit of a stretch to explain away the incident. Jeannie Saffin’s official cause of death was recorded by coroner, Dr. John Burton, as “broncho-pneumonia due to burns”, reportedly due only to the fact that when Jeannie’s family attempted to explain the spontaneous combustion they had witnessed, he replied “No such thing.”.
More recently, “Spontaneous Human Combustion” had been reported as an official cause of death.
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Cause of Death: Spontaneous Human Combustion & Other Stories of SHC

The body of Robert Francis Bailey

The body of Robert Francis Bailey

Robert Francis Bailey

At 5:19am on September 13, 1967 emergency services were called when a concerned citizen walking to work noticed a bright light coming from inside an abandoned home at 49 Auckland Street in Lambeth, South London. When the fire department arrived at 5:24am they discovered the burning body of Robert Francis Bailey, a local homeless alcoholic. One of the responding firefighters reported, “When we entered the building he [Robert Francis Baily] was lying on the bottom of the stairs half-turned on his left side and his knees were drawn up as though he was trying to bend the pain from his stomach”. Baily had been conscious as he burned to death and there was evidence to suggest he had been convulsing in agony as the fire consumed him. He had bitten into the post on the stairs which was made of solid mahogany and his teeth were embedded so deeply into the wood that his mouth had to be pried open by the fire department in order to remove his body. The firefighter described what he had witnessed, “There was about a four inch slit in his stomach and the flame was emanating from that four inch slit like a blow torch. It was a blue flame. The flame was actually coming from the body itself. From inside the body. He was burning literally from the inside out. And it was definitely under preassure. And it was impinging on the timber flooring below the body, so much so that the heat from the flame was charred into the woodwork.”. The only fire damage in the house was on the floor, directly below where the body had been burning. Aside from the abdomen where the fire had originated, Robert Francis Bailey’s clothes were intact and unaffected by the fire. The fire department put out the flames almost immediately, originally believing Bailey may still have been alive; The job required the use of several fire extinguishers and was incredibly difficult. Robert Francis Bailey’s original cause of death was determined to be “asphyxia due to inhalation of fire fumes” but after reviewing the case further his death was deemed to have been due to “unknown causes”.


Michael
Faherty

The home of Michael Faherty

The home of Michael Faherty

Seventy-six year old MichaelFaherty was found dead in his home in Clareview Park, Ballybane, Galway, Ireland on December 22, 2010 after his neighbor, Mr.Mannion was awoken by a fire alarm and noticed smoke coming from Faherty’s house. The official cause of death for Michael Faherty was “spontaneous combustion.”. Quite frankly, of all claims of SHC I find it very odd that this is the one investigators chose to officially name as a real case of spontaneous human combustion.

The body of Michael Faherty

The body of Michael Faherty

While no accelerants were found and the fire that consumed Mr. Faherty had only damaged the floor directly beneath and the ceiling directly above the body, he was found with his head next to an open and active fireplace. A lead official working on the case stated, “The fire was thoroughly investigated and I’m left with the conclusion that this fits into the category of spontaneous human combustion for which there is no adequate explanation.”.


Dr. John Irving Bentley

From 1925-1953 John Irving Bentley had worked as a family physician in Coudersport, Pennsylvania. He had suffered a fractured hip in 1947 which affected his mobility and had caused him to be infirm in his senior years. Dr. Bentley remained in Coudersport where he was friendly with many residents which he had served as physician to before his retirement. On December 4, 1966, ninety-two year old John Irving Bentley received visitors who left at around 9pm that evening.

The home of Dr. John Irving Bentley

The home of Dr. John Irving Bentley

The following morning, Don Gosnell, meter reader with the North Penn Gas Company arrived at Dr. Bentley’s two-story home on Main Street and let himself in, as usual due to the ninety-two year old’s immobility. When he entered the house, Don Gosnell noticed a light blue smoke and a strange smell which was “somewhat sweet, like starting up a new oil-burning system.”. After going into the basement to read the meter he saw there was a pile of ash on the floor. Concerned about the strange conditions in which he found the home, he set off to search for Dr. Bentley. Don Gosnell found the upstairs bedroom filled with smoke and in the bathroom he discovered the doctor’s remains.

The body of Dr. John Irving Bentley

The body of Dr. John Irving Bentley

All that was left of John Irving Bentley was the lower half of his right leg, still wearing a slipper and his walker on top of a 2 1/2 by 4 foot hole burned into the floor. Dr. Bentley’s ashes had fallen through this hole and into the basement. Terrified, Don Gosnell ran back to the gas company screaming, “Doctor Bentley’s burned up!” and coworkers later said, “He [Don Gosnell] looked as white as a sheet.”. Aside from the hole burned into the floor, there were few signs of fire damage. The nearby tub was nearly unscathed and the rubber tips on Dr. Bentley’s walker were intact. Found inside the bathtub was Dr. Bentley’s burned robe and in the toilet were the remnants of “what was apparently a water pitcher.”. The official cause of death was recorded as “death by asphyxiation and 90 percent burning of the body”. It is theorized that Dr. Bentley had set fire to himself in his bedroom with his pipe and went into the bathroom in an attempt to extinguish the flames, becoming unconscious before he could do so. While this theory is plausible considering Dr. Bentley was an avid pipe smoker and his robe showed signs of multiple previous accidents with hot ash, his pipe was found sitting neatly in its stand by his bedside as though it had not been used anytime recently. The fire which consumed Dr. Bentley is estimated to have burned at 2,500 degrees Fahrenheit, a common element of supposed cases of spontaneous human combustion.

Helen Conway
On the evening of November 7, 1964 Helen Conway was babysitting the two children of her daughter and son-in-law overnight at her home in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania. The following morning at 8:42am Helen Conway’s granddaughter, Stephanie delivered a book of matches to her invalid grandmother upstairs upon request. Very shortly thereafter, Helen Conway’s neighbor who was leaving for church noticed an odd glow coming from inside the upstairs window of 527 Argyll Road and came to the house to investigate. The heat was so intense she was unable to make it upstairs and called the fire department. As firefighters searched the smoke-filled room at 8:48am one of them stuck his hand “into something greasy” which tuned out to be the remains of Helen Conway.

The body of Helen Conway

The body of Helen Conway

All that was left of her were her legs from the knee-down. Her lower legs and feet were unburnt but blistered. Two blisters broke on her leg during examination; they were wet but did not leak fluid. This is a clear indication that the 51-year-old widow was alive as she burned. Her left arm, which had burned down to the bone still had a bracelet eerily dangling from it. The only major signs of fire damage was on the chair Helen Conway sat in as she burned to death. conwaytelephoneA telephone sitting on a nearby table had begun to melt but a pack of cigarettes on the same table were not affected. Sheets on the bed in the adjoining bedroom were spotless but the television set sitting on a dresser had melted while a highly flammable doll sitting next to the TV was nearly untouched. IMG_7672Helen Conway was a very heavy smoker and was a bit careless with her cigarettes. Multiple cigarette burns were found on furniture in her bedroom. One theory suggests Helen Conway lit herself on fire while smoking. As the chair she sat in became progressively charred the top broke off and fell backwards, taking the upper portion of Helen Conway’s body with it. Investigators believed “The Wick Effect” was the cause of her death. The Wick Effect is a commonly use to explain potential spontaneous human combustion. Under this theory, the human body is basically an inside out candle with clothing acting as the wick and human fat as the ignition. While it has been proven to be an explanation for some believed cases of SHC, it takes seven hours to destroy a human body. Obviously, this explanation would be highly feasible if it weren’t for one teeny tiny little detail… The fire that consumed the majority of Helen Conway’s body and burned at 2,500 degrees Fahrenheit began and ended in six minutes. No accelerants were used; Her death was originally considered to be foul play due to the rate and intensity at which the fire burned.

Mary Reeser
Around 8am on July 2, 1951 Pansy Carpenter went to deliver a telegram and a cup of coffee to her tenant Mary Reeser. After discovering the doorknob to her home was burning hot, Pansy asked for the help of two painters working nearby to assist in opening the door. When they finally entered, the three were met with a gust of hot air. The home showed some signs of fire but Mrs. Reeser was nowhere to be found. There was a bit of a bit of smoke and a small fire still burning on a beam which separated the bedroom from the kitchenette. Emergency services were called and discovered the body of Mary Reeser. All that remained of her was her left foot still wearing a black satin slipper, a charred liver fused to a fragment of vertebrae and a shrunken skull which was approximately the size of a teacup.

The remains of Mary Reeser

The remains of Mary Reeser

The 170lb. woman had been reduced to a pile of remains weighing less that 10lbs. Dr. Wilton Krogman, the leading American forensic expert on the subject of death by fire at that time was called in to study the case. In 25 years of working in his field, Dr. Krogman was baffled by the shrunken skull. In deaths by burning, the skull expands from the heat and literally explodes. While it is not uncommon for the skull to shrink in claims of SHC (one of many elements that makes these cases so intriguing), it is absolutely unheard of in any burning deaths outside of these rare phenomena. The chair Mary Reeser was sitting in at the time of her death had been burned until all that was left of it was some coils from its interior but a nearby pile of newspapers was untouched by the fire. A mirror on the wall had cracked due to the intense heat and many appliances in the home had melted; Otherwise, the home was generally unaffected by the fire which is estimated to have burned at 3,000 degrees Fahrenheit. Local investigators in St. Petersburg, Florida were so stumped by the case that Police Chief J.R. Reichert sent a box of evidence to J. Edgar Hoover containing glass fragments found in the ashes, a section of carpet, the unburnt shoe from Mrs. Reeser’s remaining foot and six “small objects thought to be teeth” along with a note which read, “We request any information or theories that could explain how a human body could be so destroyed and the fire confined to such a small area and so little damage done to the structure of the building and furniture in the room not even scorched or damaged by smoke.”. The case of Mary Reeser was so astounding J. Edgar Hoover even discussed the case with President Harry S. Truman before replying to the St. Petersburg Police. On August 8, the FBI ruled Mary Reeser’s death to have been due to “The Wick Effect” saying that Mrs. Reeser had taken her regular dose of sleeping pills and fell asleep while smoking a cigarette in her armchair. MaryReeserThey claimed the rayon nightgown, robe and bedroom slippers she was last seen alive in the previous evening by her son and a neighbor acted as a wick and her body fat kept the fire going until she had been completely consumed. Those who worked on the case up-close-and-personal strongly disagreed with the FBI’s explanation. Experts asserted there is no way a fire started by a cigarette could create a blaze of that intensity. Dr. Wilton Krogman vehemently protested the FBI’s theory and said throughout his life that the case, particularly the shrunken skull, haunted him. As previously mentioned, the Wick Effect takes seven hours to consume a body. While there is no way to know for sure when the fire that killed Mary Reeser began, we get a pretty good idea from a clock in the room which stopped at 2:26am, presumably due to the heat from the fire. Pansy Carpenter, Mrs. Reeser’s landlady said she awoke that morning to the smell of smoke at around 5:00am. She believed it to be caused by the water pump in the garage overheating again. She got up, turned it off, and returned to bed. If the fire began shortly before 2:26am and raged on until just before Pansy Carpenter entered Mrs. Reeser’s apartment, that would be approximately seven hours; However, the FBI’s theory doesn’t quite add up. If Mary Reeser took sleeping pills on a regular basis, one would assume she took them quite a bit earlier in the evening.

Mary Reeser

Mary Reeser

Remember, this was a 67-year-old woman in 1951 whose landlady delivered coffee to at 8am. Unfortunately, there are no records of what time Mrs. Reeser’s son and neighbor left her home that evening, but the details given by Pansy Carpenter imply that Mary Reeser was up and out of bed by 8am every morning. For that to be possible when using medication to sleep, Mrs. Reeser would have to take her pills by midnight each evening, no later. If she had, in fact, taken the pills at her usual time and fallen asleep while smoking it would mean the ember which supposedly fell into her clothes remained inactive for about two hours before starting a fire which grew to 3,000 degrees Fahrenheit. Some put the time of the clock stopping between 4:00am and 4:20am (we’re going with 2:26 because that time is cited in books and I trust books more that the internet) and if that is the case, there certainly would not have been enough time for Mary Reeser’s body to be destroyed to the point it was by way of the Wick Effect. More bizarrely, why would J. Edgar Hoover consult the President on the matter, not simply inform him of it. All these little details that don’t quite make sense in addition to the fact that no one working on the case outside of the FBI agreed with the Wick Effect theory in the case of Mary Reeser makes it one of the most intriguing examples of SHC to this day. One theory considered in an attempt to “logically” explain her death was that Mary Reeser was murdered… using cremation equipment; However, that theory was let go when it left no explanation for the melted appliances.
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If you enjoyed this article, you might also like A Witness to Spontaneous Combustion and Other Stories of SHC, Evidence Suggests Spontaneous Human Combustion is a Reality, Scientists Have Answered the Question ‘If a Tree Falls in the Forest Does it Make a Sound?, Evidence Suggests Sixth Sense in Humans, Pray the Decay Away: Incorruptible Corpses and Other Forms of Natural Post Mortem Preservation, Everybody Poops: The Postmortem Edition, The Zombie Cat Parasite, THE WALKING DEAD: Indonesia and Is Kicking the Bucket for Catholics Only?

Woman Found Pushing Her Deceased Child in Swing for “Unusually Long Period of Time”

Romechia Simms with her son, Ji’Aire Lee

At 7AM on Friday, May 22, 2015 deputies of the Charles County Sheriff’s department arrived at Wills Memorial Park in La Plata, Maryland in response to a call reporting a woman who had been swinging a child for an “unusually long period of time”. Although officers had originally believed the child was in need of first-aid, as they approached, “It was instantaneously clear the child was dead.”. The child was identified as three year old Ji’Aire Lee and while there were no clear signs of foul play, investigators are not ruling out the possibility. It is believed the mother may have been pushing her deceased child on the swing all of Thursday night, having arrived that evening.

The swing which was cut down along with Ji’Aire’s body. A teddy bear and potted flowers sit beneath the absent swing; It is unclear whether they were placed there by Romechia Simms or mourners.

 Reportedly, the boy’s body had to be removed along with the swing which was cut down by firefighters. The body was then sent to the office of the Chief Medical Examiner in Baltimore for an autopsy and toxicology test, the results of which have yet to be publicly released.The boy’s mother, 24-year-old Romechia Simms, had been diagnosed with a mental illness three months prior and had been in a custody battle with the Ji’Aire’s father, Donnell Lee, since March of 2015. Mr. Lee was concerned about Romechia’s emotional state and felt it would be better if their son lived with him and only visited his mother. At a recent hearing, the judge advised Ji’Aire would be better off living with his mother. The Wednesday prior to the discovery of Ji’Aire’s body, Romechia had called Donnell and asked him to pick up their son because she was having issues with her mother, Vontasha Simms. By the time Donnell got off work and attempted to come pick up Ji’Aire, Romechia had stopped answering her phone. Romechia Simms and her child were temporarily homeless after moving out of Donnell Lee’s residence and had been living in a motel in Waldorf, Maryland, approximately one mile from Wills Memorial Park.

Wills Memorial Park in La Plata, Maryland.

She had reportedly been suffering from severe depression due to her predicament, in addition to the mental illness which she had been diagnosed with three months prior to her son’s death. After the boy was discovered, Romechia was admitted to a local hospital for a mental evaluation; She was released the following Monday. Romechia’s mother, 47-year-old Vontasha Simms stated that ordinarally, “[Romechia] would never harm my grandson in any way. You know, I just believe she had some type of mental illness, some type of mental break that came upon her where she wasn’t able to get herself out of that situation.”. Vontasha hopes her family’s tragedy will prevent similar situations in the future adding, “I don’t want people to look down upon her; I want people to use the situation as an opportunity to grow, learn from it. Like I said, help your neighbor. If you suffer from mental issues and you need help, don’t be afraid to reach out to somebody.”.

3 year old Ji’Aire Lee

More on this story as it becomes available.
Special Thanks to @Haxan_Aok on Twitter for calling this story to our attention
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Imaginary Murders on the Rise

On May 12, 2015 a man in Jacksonville, Florida turned himself in to the local Sheriff for the murder of his best friend. Thirty-seven year old Geoff Gaylord stabbed his friend of seven years repeatedly with a kitchen knife before dismembering the body with a hatchet and burying him in the backyard. Geoff Gaylord told police of the murder, “It was an overreaction. I should have listened to the neighbor lady and got us into counseling, but no, I did the unthinkable and killed my best friend. I’m a terrible, terrible person and I need to be punished.”. Despite his gruesome confession for the murder, Mr. Gaylord will not be charged with homicide because the friend he killed happens to be imaginary. Geoff’s imaginary friend, Mr. Happy, was suffering from drug and alcohol addiction at the time of his murder and it became too much for Gaylord to handle. According to the statement given to police, the two friends had not had a “real conversation” in at least a year and had begun to drift apart as Mr. Happy’s addictions intensified. Geoff Gaylord claimed, “His room was a mess all the time with his toys and dolls. He left his empty vodka bottles all over the kitchen… Never picked up his empty cocaine baggies… He messed up my apartment to the point where I just couldn’t get it clean… Before Hap started doing drugs and acting weird he was my BFF… We’d go dancing, play on the children’s park equipment, both huge fans of doom metal- listened to it for hours with the lights turned off.” and that Mr. Happy “left the toilet seat down when he peed.”. The breaking point came when Mr. Happy crashed Gaylord’s Nissan ALTIMA after the two had been out celebrating Mr. Happy’s birthday at a local Hooter’s. Geoff Gaylord was ultimately arrested for the incident despite the fact that his imaginary friend had been the one driving. Gaylord stated, “That drunk driving incident I got unfairly blamed for and just how messy he had become put me over the edge and I murdered him.”. Horrified by his own crime, Mr. Gaylord, who was incredibly intoxicated at the time of his confession, insisted upon the death penalty “right now” and threatened police when they refused to sentence him as he desired; Instead he was arrested for threatening police, possession of drug paraphernalia and possession of an illegal machine gun discovered inside his home. Disappointingly, it is more likely than not that this story which was originally published on Moron.com is nothing more than a hoax. Geoff Gaylord’s mug shot is in fact a photo of a man named Billy Southern which appeared in a gallery of “Crying Mugshots” that went viral in 2011.

  Recently, fake stories on imaginary murders have become somewhat popular. According to a fake story published in 2013, Doug Byron, a resident of Bangour, Maine went to his local police station and confessed to the murders of eight people who he claimed had occurred over a span of two years. M. Byron led police to eight shallow graves just outside the town of Milford and turned over journals in which he detailed how he had selected and stalked his victims before murdering them. The descriptions of the killings were so detailed and gruesome police believed him to be a serial killer… Until they dug up the graves of his victims and found nothing but dirt. Police Chief Lou Foster stated, “This is weird even for Maine. I mean, he’s so sure he committed a crime, but he hasn’t. He led us to eight graves in the woods, but all he’d done was dig a big hold and then refilled it. The journals are packed with grisly details, and I probably wont sleep for a week, but they’re just works of fiction.”. Although these stories are just as real as the victims, let’s pretend for a moment Geoff Gaylord and Doug Byron did murder and dismember the bodies of their imaginary friends. As we all know, it is perfectly normal for children to have an imaginary friend or two or ten. During childhood, imaginary friends are used as a device to experiment with early socialization. In the hypothetical case of Geoff Gaylord, it seems Mr. Happy began as a substitute for authentic socialization. As Gaylord recalled, he and Mr. Happy spent a lot of time going out dancing and listening to doom metal music together. While it seems Mr. Gaylord did in fact have some underlying mental and/or addiction issues, many mentally stable adults have imaginary friends to help them cope with loneliness and social anxiety. As Geoff Gaylord’s struggle with addiction and hoarding intensified, it was easier for him to blame Mr. Happy than to face his own problems. In killing his imaginary friend he was, in a way, “killing” the bad habits which he had projected onto Mr. Happy; If Mr. Happy dies, there will be no more DUIs, no more drugs or trash in the apartment. Murdering Mr.Happy may have also been an indirect attempt by Gaylord to punish himself for the bad behavior which he is, at the very least, subconsciously aware he is responsible for. He permanently ended the illusion of Mr. Happy by “murdering” his imaginary (and possibly only) friend. Doug Byron, it seems, had different motives behind the manifestation and murders of his imaginary friends. Despite his confession and remorse for committing the murders, they were all meticulously pre-meditated. Usually, serial killers who get away with their crimes are highly intelligent; Perhaps planning and “getting away with” killing was gratifying for Doug Byron’s ego. He may have begun killing in hopes it would boost his self-confidence. Murders often claim the “god-like” feeling they experience from having control over another human’s life and death is their primary motivation to kill. For Mr. Byron, creating imaginary people to murder  may have been a way to replicate this feeling of total control without actually having to harm anyone. As with any serial killer who turns themselves in, Doug Byron would have only done so after he felt, for whatever reason, he could no longer continue his way of life. The eight innocent, imaginary people Doug Byron created and killed were very likely created based on who he pictured as his ideal “type” to kill. As police stated, his journals detailed how he selected and murdered his victims. For Doug Byron, the journals were a way to document and relive his imaginary fantasies over and over, each time making them just a little better, by his standards; Very similar to an actual killer. Since these stories were just hoaxes, sadly we will never have the opportunity to read the detailed journals of this mind-boggling “murderer”. But it we just close our eyes, we can imagine all the bizarre and unbelievable things it would say…

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If you enjoyed this article, you might also like Everybody Poops: The Post-Mortem Edition, How to Drive a Corpse Cross-Country, The Zombie Cat Parasite, Scared to Death: An April Fool’s Day Fatality, Rasputin’s Pickled Penis, Pascualita: How Much is that Corpse Bride in the Window?, The Woman Who Cannot Die and Chrysippus Died Laughing (Literally)

Rasputin’s Pickled Penis on Public Display in St. Petersburg

Grigori Rasputin, a Serbian faith-healer, served as advisor to the ill-fated Romanov family for many years until his assassination in 1916. Known by many as “The Mad Monk”, he has been alternately nicknamed “Russia’s Greatest Lover” due in part to the legend that in life, he sported a thirteen inch penis. Unfortunately, this legend also claims Rasputin’s member did not accompany him to the grave. There are two tales of how he parted ways with his peter; In one account, he was castrated by his assassins. The following day, the maid came to clean and being so impressed by Little Rasputin’s size, decided to keep it as a prized possession for the rest of her days. Another tale claims one of his former lovers took it as a souvenir following Grigori’s autopsy. Today, nearly a century after Rasputin’s murder, no one knows for certain whether or not he even did lose his schlong… After all, it was sch-long ago. Historical accounts provide evidence that a penis, believed to be Rasputin’s, was kept in its own little wooden coffin and worshiped in 1920s Paris by Russian ex-patriots in hopes the one-eyed monster would grant them fertility. However, it is believed this once-worshiped wiener may have been a literal wiener or other phallic object only rumored to have belonged to the famous faith healer. As most know, it would not be uncommon for a man to falsely claim his penis was thirteen inches; However, The Mad Monk’s member’s measurements do come from a reputable source. His daughter, Marie Rasputin, was the one who announced his size when she demanded her father’s penis be returned to her. She went onto assert it was only thirteen inches when flaccid and much larger when erect. Marie then commented, “Not that I would know, but…”. Once her dad’s dick was returned, Marie held onto this piece of her father until she died in California in 1977. Following her death, the cock mysteriously disappeared.

Several years later it reappeared, this time in the hands of Michael Augustine who claimed to have found the “piece” in a velvet pouch along with some of Marie’s manuscripts he had purchased at an estate sale. When he attempted to sell it to Bonham’s auction house, the penis was found to be a dried up sea cucumber. It is unclear whether the sea cucumber had been the same “penis” worshiped in France and possessed by Marie, or if it was an attempt at phallic forgery by Mr. Augustine. Either way, Rasputin’s pickled pecker was supposedly rediscovered again, this time contained in a jar of preservative fluids. It was bought from a French antiquarian for $8,000 in 2004 by a Russian doctor for display in his museum. Rasputin’s pickled pecker can be viewed today in St. Petersburg at the Russian Museum of Erotica alongside 15,000 other “sex objects”. Zoologists who have seen the majestic fandangled mandingler at the museum say it is most likely belonged to a horse or other bovine creature. To further support the widely held belief that the St. Petersburg peter is also a fake, all early accounts describe it as being mummified as opposed to preserved in formaldehyde. Nevertheless, it makes for an incredibly appropriate legend to pass down to your children. Perhaps if you are lucky, one of them will keep your penis in a little baggie and make sure everyone remembers how large and lengthy your ‘legacy’ was long after your demise.

From the same demented mind that brought you The Post-Mortem Post: FREAK

For more information on the Russian Museum of Erotica visit: http://stpetersburgrussia.ru/museums/erotic_museum
Or for our Russian speaking readers visit: http://www.museros.ru/

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The Zombie Cat Parasite

Last week in Tampa, Florida a cat named Bart was hit and killed by a car. Upon discovering Bart’s lifeless body, his owner buried him in the yard, next to a tree. Five days later, Bart showed up in his neighbor’s garden. Despite being severely injured, the cat was very much alive. His owner, who was positive his pet was dead at the time of burial, was baffled when Bart returned home. While it is much more likely the cat was just unconscious and mistaken for dead, there are many hopeful zombie enthusiasts who believe Bart may the Patient Zero of an impending Zombieapocalypse. Unbelievable as that theory is, lets take a moment to ignore all logic and reason on this matter and pretend Bart really is the beginning of the end: A world overrun with undead felines who crave human flesh. For the next five minutes, believe it is possible that the rotting corpse of Mr. Pickles will reanimate any day now, claw his way out of the shoebox you buried him in, and show up at your doorstep, ready to consume you, your loved ones, and the majority of your neighborhood. Do you believe? That’s great, because its actually not that far-fetched of an idea. First of all, if there were to ever be a Zombieapocalypse, it would undoubtedly begin in Florida, America’s Unofficial Capitol of Bizarre News Headlines. Secondly, there’s this terrifying parasite called Toxoplasma Gondii, and you probably already have it. Sixty million Americans are already infected- if you’re not living in America, don’t unclench your asshole just yet- this parasite exists all over the world. Toxoplasma Gondii causes Toxoplasmosis, which usually doesn’t include any symptoms at all… “Usually” being the key word. When it DOES create symptoms in the infected, it looks a lot like a Zombie Virus right out of the movies (aside from the whole rising from the dead thing, which is of course a key element). Toxoplasmosis symptoms include fever, lethargy, abnormal pupil size, enhanced response to light, it can even cause blindness, lack of coordination, twitching, seizures, loss of control over urination and/or defecation, and most terrifying of all, extreme changes in personality. The Toxoplasma Gondii parasite has the ability to effect neurotransmitters in your brain causing you to become neurotic, extremely aggressive, even schizophrenic. While this parasite can be found in humans, pigs, birds, and a whole slue of creatures, it can only reproduce in the small intestine of a cat. The way Toxoplasma Gondii ensures its survival is unsettling, to say the least. When the parasite infects a rat, it alters its host’s brain in a way which convinces the vermin to go towards the scent of cat urine- the exact opposite of what the animal’s instincts tell it to do. Its a lot like the plot of ‘The Happening’, only instead of ruining M. Night Shyamalan’s career and making people want to commit suicide (including his fans who saw the film), it does it to rats. Infected rats will faithfully hang out around areas that smell of cat urine, waiting for the cat to return and eat it. Obviously, these rats don’t WANT to be killed, but the parasite forces them to behave in this way. Once the Toxoplasma Gondii travels to the feline’s small intestine, it reproduces. Over the next few weeks MILLIONS of parasite eggs are expelled by way of the now infected cat’s feces. Rats find the cat’s paracite-laden feces, eat it, and so the Toxoplasma Gondii’s circle of life continues… Humans can come into contact with the parasite by eating contaminated pork that has not been cooked properly, or by cleaning the family cat’s litterbox, assuming Fluffy has recently contracted Toxoplasma Gondii. Once you have it, theres no getting rid of it (unless youre a cat, in which case it will expel itself as quickly as possible in hopes of finding yet another cat’s small intestine to reproduce inside of). Obviously, as is, Toxoplasmosis is not going to cause any end of world scenario to play out on a large scale; However, parasites certainly have the potential to evolve into something much nastier than they already are. Given the ability they have to lie dormant for wildly varying amounts of time before beginning to alter their host’s brain, they pose a huge problem. One day you’re fine, the next you’re convulsing and insisting Beyoncé is hiding in the tree outside your bedroom window, waiting for the right moment to kill you. When your loved ones assure you you’re mistaken, you become paranoid and assume they are plotting against you, so you beat them sensless with a cast iron skillet- all because you wanted to make ten bucks by checking in on your Aunt’s cat that one weekend she went to Atlantic City when you were twelve. And you didn’t even like that cat- or your Aunt. If parasites ever were to evolve or be modified by humans to the point that they could still operate their host’s brain post mortem, the entire world would be screwed. Since that has yet to occur naturally, it probably won’t for another million or billion of years or so. Unfortunately, scientific advancements far surpass the human race’s level of maturity and responsibility; Therefor, if scientists void of anything but the best intentions begin playing around with the capabilities of parasites, we could very easily kick off a real life Zombieapocalypse just as quickly as you can say, “They’re coming to get you, Barbara.”
For the animal lovers who are as concerned about Bart’s well-being as I was, he is expected to make a full recovery. Sadly, he will have one eye removed, which was severely damaged in the accident, and his broken jaw will have to heal before he is entirely back to his old self again. His owner, who was unable to afford Bart’s medical bills, has temporarily turned him over to the local Humane Society, which will fix him up free of cost. Bart will be returning home to his owner and feline brother just as soon as he is able. His brother, Bart’s owner claims, may have been responsible for recovering Bart from his grave. Although the cat was badly mangled and dehydrated after being ran over by a car and prematurely laid to rest for five days, the neighbor says Bart was purring when she discovered him.

How to Drive a Corpse Cross-Country

On May 31, 2014, 62 year old Ray Tomlinson drove from his home in Michigan to pick up his 31 year old girlfriend from a mental health facility in Glendale, Arizona, where she had been residing. On June 1st, the woman asked to stop at a gas station in Flagstaff, AZ, where it is believed she ingested a deadly amount of oxycodone. Almost immediately after returning to the van, the woman died of an overdose. Ray made a stop in New Mexico and Oklahoma, asking the woman if she would like to get out of the van. After failing to respond both times, he touched the woman and realized she was deceased. Instead of taking the route most would in this situation, Ray decided to use his cell phone to Google what he should do with her dead body. He knew if he reported her death, he would have to give up the van, and since the website he visited stated he had 48 hours before he needed to present the body to a medical examiner, Mr. Tomlinson decided to complete his voyage. He propped the woman up in the passenger seat, made sure she was wearing her seatbelt (because even in death: Click It or Ticket), put a pair of sunglasses on her, and placed a stuffed animal in her lap for reasons unknown. While still in Oklahoma, Ray Tomlinson received a call from the mental health facility in Arizona where the now deceased woman had been staying, imploring him to place her in a similar institute in Michigan upon their return. He informed them at that time of her passing, and the staff of the Arizona facility contacted police. Police called Ray while still on his gruesome road trip, and requested he drive to the nearest emergency room to turn over the body. Ray, however, insisted he finish his journey to his son’s home in Warren, Michigan. When Tomlinson finally arrived on June 2nd at 7pm, police were waiting for him at his son’s home to collect the body. It was discovered his 92 year old mother had been in a wheelchair in the back of the van for the entirety of the trip. Unfortunately, the van’s air conditioning failed shortly after beginning the return trip to Michigan, and after discovering his girlfriend was deceased, Tomlinson did not allow his mother to leave the van to use the restroom for the remaining 26 hours of the trip. One of Mr. Tomlinson’s son’s neighbors, who wished to remain anonymous stated, “As soon as the police opened the door [of the van], thank god there was a breeze going because you would just get a whiff of it once in a while.” Ray Tomlinson is not in police custody, and while the case is still under review, no charges have been filed at this time.