Everybody Poops: The Post-Mortem Edition

After a person has been declared clinically dead and biological death occurs, long after our sentient personality has left this world, certain bodily functions just keep on keepin’ on. Old habits die hard, and in the case of the human body, some habits won’t die just because you do.

1. Brain Activity & Our Five Senses
You may have heard at one point in your life that after death, brain activity continues for a period of time. This is true to some extent, though most of the postmortem brain activity is actually the brain making one last attempt to keep itself alive by using all the oxygen left inside the deceased body. In doing this, brain cells cause irreparable damage to themselves. consciousness can be retained for approximately 15-20 seconds following death- this is true even in the case of people who are decapitated. This short period of consciousness following death is most likely when your “life flashes before your eyes”. Although it is difficult to understand how a person may feel they are literally reliving their entire life in a matter of seconds, it’s very similar to how we perceive time in a dream. Have you ever fallen asleep and had a bizarre dream that felt like it lasted forever, only to realize you’d been sleeping for just a few minutes? That is most likely what is experienced by people who are dying, or having a near death experience. With brain activity continuing after death, our five senses slowly fade after death, as well. The first sense to go is sight, followed by taste, smell, touch and finally, hearing. That means even if you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye before your loved one passed, if you told them something shortly afterwards, they probably still heard it.

2. Post-Mortem Movement and Breathing
Just because your brain has died and all activity has ceased, that doesn’t mean your nervous system has stopped functioning entirely. Often corpses will retain reflex action, causing muscle twitches, spasms, even what appears to be shallow breathing (which is sure to turn anyone’s Wake into an exciting event). These movements are caused when nerves send signals to the spinal cord, but you might want to keep that to yourself and see if you can convince everyone at the Wake that your grandmother is turning into a zombie.

3. Skin
Skin cells do not need constant circulation to survive, which means they’ll outlive you by several days. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to grow and new skin cells, so any wounds you previously have or acquire during death will not heal. That means any tattoos, piercings, plastic surgery, microdermabrasion etc. that you were considering having don postmortem to look good for your last hoorah probably wont look as great as you may have imagined.

4. Hair and Nails Appear to Grow
…they don’t really, but it certainly looks that way. Same as your skin, no new hair or nail tissue will grow. A body begins to lose all its moisture following death. When all that water weight starts dropping off, you get a postmortem face lift. The pulling back and tightening of your skin from lack of moisture gives the appearance of hair and nail growth, when in actuality you are just shriveling up and shrinking.

5. Vocal Chords
When you die, the bacteria in your body that once digested your food begins eating you from the inside out. This causes a tremendous build-up of gasses inside your body which has to escape somehow. There are many ways in which these gasses evacuate the corpse, one of the less disturbing methods being through your windpipe… And yes, that is one of the less disturbing ways. It causes moans, groans, even squeaks to come from the deceased.

6. Pee/Poo/Farts
There is a common misconception that some people urinate when they die. Luckily, we’re here to dispel those kind of rumors; The truth is, almost everyone pees themselves when they die. The urinary sphincter is held shut by a part of your brain, so when your brain stops functioning, your sphincter opens up and everything left in your bladder at the time of death is released. After you die, if you gotta go well… You really gotta go because your brain is no longer able to “hold it”. If it helps ease your mind, you won’t necessarily “pee your pants”. Assuming you live a long life and die a natural death, this postmortem urine could very easily be collected by a catheter. Another misconception is that some people defecate one last time at the moment of death- this is just a flat out lie… Due to the fact that the bacteria in your body that digests food won’t begin eating you until all the food is gone, almost everyone poops for days following their death. Remember when I said there were many more disturbing ways built-up gas can escape a corpse? Pooping is one of them. Excess gasses often expel themselves through the anus, taking with them whatever is in their path… which is usually human waste. More commonly refered to as “poop”. The expulsion of gasses through the anus can also cause lots of postmortem farting. I think the disgusting child in all of us can appreciate the fact that even in death, we can (and will) fart up a storm in the coroner’s office.

7. Death Erections (and Ejaculations)
After all the blood in your system has stopped circulating, it begins to pool. The effects of this are most evident during the 4th stage of decomposition known as “Livor Mortis”, which you can learn all about here on The Post-Mortem Post on Thursday April 9th. All you need to know now is that after death blood pools in the lowest (in relation to the rest of the world) regions of the body. This means if you die standing up or laying face down, one place blood will pool is in the genitalia. When a male’s penis- living or dead fills with blood, it causes an erection. In the days of public hangings, when bodies were not always removed in a prompt and courteous manner, people became very familiar with the phenomenon of “death erections”, sported by many men who were hung to their death. During the 3rd phase of decomposition, Rigor Mortis (come back Wednesday April 8th to learn more) every muscle in the body begins to harden. The hardening causes contraction of the muscles and sometimes all that hardening and contracting can cause a corpse to ejaculate.

8. Coffin Birth
As we all know, pregnancy and childbirth used to be an incredibly dangerous experience for women. In a time before prenatal vitamins, ultrasounds and blood transfusions (with the correct type of blood) it was all too common for a woman to die during some stage of her pregnancy. Unfortunately, in those times, not everyone was able to receive a burial soon after death, or in some cases, ever. Due to this, there were a few rare accounts of women who had given birth, postmortem. These “Coffin Births”, as they became known, were caused by a combination of softening, deceased flesh and a build up of gasses within the cadaver. In some instances, this gas escaped through the vaginal canal of a female corpse, bringing a living, breathing baby out with it. Yes, you guessed it- the expulsion of postmortem gasses through the vaginal canal could also cause corpse queefs.

MYTH: In the late 1800s and early 1900s Optography was all the rage. Used as a plot device in many fictional murder mysteries at the time, it was also utilized in real-life crime solving. After Franz Christian Boll discovered rhodopsin, also known as “visual purple”, a photosensitive pigment in the retina which can be “fixed” similar to a photographic negative, German psychologist William Kuhne set to work researching how this could be helpful in solving crimes.There was a belief that an optogram could capture the last image seen before death on the retina of the deceased. This led investigators to believe they might have a shot at capturing an image of the killer in the eye of their victim. Kuhne did a lot of very mean, sad things to rabbits during his research that we do not condone and we don’t wanna talk about it… So instead we’ll jump to November 16, 1880 when William Kuhne finally got the shot to test this theory on a human eye. Erhard Gustav Reif was executed by guillotine after killing his children in Bruchsal. Immediately following his death, Reif’s eyes were extracted and sent to Kuhne to be analyzed. Kuhne found that on the left eye of Erhard Gustav Reif there was a vague outline of what appeared to be the guillotine blade.

Outline of optograph obtained from subject’s left retina.

This was a huge discovery in forensics… until people began to put two and two together and realized that the position in which Erhard Gustav Reif was placed at the time of his execution would not have made it possible for him to see the blade of the guillotine, not to mention he was blindfolded at the time. Despite the fact that is scientific reasoning to support how this theory would work… it just doesn’t, at least, not now. It is possible optography will be more thoroughly researched and one day, perfected as a method for solving murder.
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If you enjoyed this article (or didn’t and want to know ways to minimize you postmortem farting and corpse queefs) you may like Burying the Dead is Killing the Planet, and Demystifying the Process of Dying.
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THE WALKING DEAD: Indonesia

  

 In villages occupied by the Toraja people located in the mountains of South Sulawesi, Indonesia, Shamans have been raising the dead for centuries. While we might refer to the Indonesian walking dead as “zombies”, they are known by the Toraja people as “Rolang”, or “the corpse who stands up”. The only major difference between the Western world’s idea of a traditional zombie and the Indonesian version is that many people have witnessed the Rolang and luckily, they do not crave human flesh. According to the religious beliefs of the Toraja people, in order for a deceased person to reach the afterlife known as “Puya” or “The Land of Souls”, their corpse must be returned to the place of their birth for burial.

 Prior to the Dutch colonization of this area in the 20th century, the Toraja people lived in remote villages without roads connecting one to the other. Due to the difficulty of treading terrain in this mountainous region, people were terrified to journey too far in fears that their body could not be returned to their birthplace in the event of their demise. The Toraja’s beliefs state that if the body is not returned to the corpse’s village of birth, the soul will never reach Puya and will forever wander around in limbo, confused by their unfamiliar surroundings. In order to aid in transporting corpses, Shamans would be called upon to temporarily raise the dead so that they could walk back to their birthplace on their own in order to attend their funeral and begin their journey to Puya. Every August, a ritual known as Ma’nene or “The Ceremony of Cleaning Corpses” takes place.

Corpse cleaning, grooming and redressing during Ma’nene

During this time, families exhume the bodies of deceased relatives in order to wash them, groom them, change their clothes and repair their coffins. The bodies are taken to the place of their death, then back to their grave in the village of origin. Often the deceased are paraded around the village in straight lines during the journey in order to observe the living;

 This is done out of respect to the ‘Hyang’, unseen spiritual entities with supernatural powers who reside in mountains, hills and volcanoes and may only move in straight lines.

 Simple wooden caskets are placed into limestone cliffs in order to make it easier for the bodies to be retrieved for Ma’nene. Some of these limestone burial caves are so old that many coffins have rotted away leaving nothing but skeleton; Some belonging to people who died 1,000 years ago.

 Generally coffins belonging to children and infants are suspended from the sides of these limestone cliffs with rope. Once the rope rots and the coffin falls, new ropes are simply reattached and the coffin is hung once more. Infants who die before beginning teething are buried in Baby Grave Trees. [Read all about The Baby Grave Tree here]

 The Toraja, who are known as skilled woodworkers carve life-sized wooden effigies for high-status villagers which are called “Tau-Tau” and are also displayed on these limestone burial cliffs. Often, the Tau-Tau are dressed with the deceased’s favorite piece of jewelry or clothing. In the Toraja culture, more importance is placed on funerals and The Ceremony of Cleaning Corpses than births and marriages.

 In addition to returning to their place of birth, Toraja people believe that for a soul to reach Puya, all relatives of the family, no matter how far away, must attend the deceased’s funeral. Due to this stipulation, it can take several weeks, even several months, for the funeral to take place. While awaiting burial, the corpse is taken to a traditional ‘Tongkonan’ house. These houses are used almost exclusively as a place to keep the deceased before burial, similar to a funeral home. Tongkonan houses pass down from generation to generation and cannot be bought or sold according to the Toraja culture.

These elaborate houses are adorned with buffalo horns which are considered to be a symbol of wealth. The roofs’ shape symbolizes prows of the ships which carried the ancient Toraja people to the land they inhabit today. Less wealthy families may instead keep their loved one inside a room of their own home. Prior to burial the corpse is treated somewhat like an actual living person; The body will be washed, groomed, have changes of clothing and will even be offered daily meals.

 It is not uncommon for a visitor to thank the corpse for being a good host. The main reason the deceased are treated so much like the living is because the Toraja people believe it takes many, many years to reach Puya and that in some sense, the deceased remain with their bodies until they complete the voyage. Once all relatives (and the corpse) have arrived in the deceased’s village of birth, the funeral festivities may begin.  those attending the funeral will gather in ceremonial sites called “Rante”. Usually, hundreds of people are in attendance at Toraja funerals and for the wealthy, a massive feast is held which may last for several days. It is believed that for the soul to reach Puya more quickly, it is nessesary that blood is spilled at the funeral; The more blood spilled, the faster the journey into the afterlife will be. For this reason, buffalo and pigs are sacrificed at the ceremony. The installment of a new Tau-Tau requires the sacrifice of no less than 29 buffaloes and 59 pigs. For an exceptionally wealthy citizen, dozens of buffalo and hundreds of pigs will be slaughtered while those in attendance sing, dance and try to catch the animals’ blood with bamboo straws. Sometimes cockfights called “bulangan londong” are also held.

 Family will offer the corpse items they feel will be needed for the journey into the afterlife (commonly money and cigarettes). In modern times, bodies are usually transported in cars which means there is not much need for the walking dead; However, it is claimed that Shamans often attend funeral celebrations and can use the same magic to cause a slaughtered buffalo to get up and walk after it has been beheaded. This is to prove the same magic used to create Rolang is still practiced by the Toraja Shamans today. When Rolang was a popular method of transporting corpses to their burial site, special runners would go ahead of these walking dead (who were usually accompanied by a Shaman and family members) to warn people on the path and in villages that a corpse would be shambling through shortly.

 Once temporarily reanimated, the corpse would be expressionless, unresponsive, and only able to perform the most basic of functions such as walking. If anyone were to address the corpse by name or unnecessarily touch the body (in a hug, for instance) the corpse would immediately collapse and sometimes, disappear. These migrations to the corpse’s birthplace were also conducted in straight lines and were silent, somber affairs which could take many days, weeks or even months if the person had journeyed too far from home before their demise.

 The practice remains a complete mystery and although most young people of the Toraja culture do not believe in this ancient practice, the older Toraja population swear it to be real saying it is now only practiced in some areas where it is necessary such as the remote village of Mamases. The practice of regularly exhuming and cleaning corpses can be found in a few other parts of the world such as Madagascar. Unfortunately, it is believed to be a large part of why the bubonic plague, also known as the Black Death is still prevalent in that area. During the 14th century, the Black Death killed an approximate 200 million people. The disease can last in an infected corpse for several years, putting those who exhume and handle deceased infected bodies at risk of contracting the notoriously deadly disease.
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Photos courtesy Reuters, The Associated Press, Sijori Images and Mongabay.com

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Be sure to read about another bizarre funeral rite of the Toraja, The Baby Grave Tree
If you enjoyed this article, you might also like The Zombie Cat Parasite, Pray the Decay Away: Incorruptible Corpses and Other Forms of Postmortem Preservation, The Seven Stages of Decomposition, Everybody Poops: The Postmortem Edition, Mount Everest’s Death Zone, Pascualita: How Much is that Corpse Bride in the Window, How to Drive a Corpse Cross-Country and Rasputin’s Pickled Penis on Public Display

The Zombie Cat Parasite

Last week in Tampa, Florida a cat named Bart was hit and killed by a car. Upon discovering Bart’s lifeless body, his owner buried him in the yard, next to a tree. Five days later, Bart showed up in his neighbor’s garden. Despite being severely injured, the cat was very much alive. His owner, who was positive his pet was dead at the time of burial, was baffled when Bart returned home. While it is much more likely the cat was just unconscious and mistaken for dead, there are many hopeful zombie enthusiasts who believe Bart may the Patient Zero of an impending Zombieapocalypse. Unbelievable as that theory is, lets take a moment to ignore all logic and reason on this matter and pretend Bart really is the beginning of the end: A world overrun with undead felines who crave human flesh. For the next five minutes, believe it is possible that the rotting corpse of Mr. Pickles will reanimate any day now, claw his way out of the shoebox you buried him in, and show up at your doorstep, ready to consume you, your loved ones, and the majority of your neighborhood. Do you believe? That’s great, because its actually not that far-fetched of an idea. First of all, if there were to ever be a Zombieapocalypse, it would undoubtedly begin in Florida, America’s Unofficial Capitol of Bizarre News Headlines. Secondly, there’s this terrifying parasite called Toxoplasma Gondii, and you probably already have it. Sixty million Americans are already infected- if you’re not living in America, don’t unclench your asshole just yet- this parasite exists all over the world. Toxoplasma Gondii causes Toxoplasmosis, which usually doesn’t include any symptoms at all… “Usually” being the key word. When it DOES create symptoms in the infected, it looks a lot like a Zombie Virus right out of the movies (aside from the whole rising from the dead thing, which is of course a key element). Toxoplasmosis symptoms include fever, lethargy, abnormal pupil size, enhanced response to light, it can even cause blindness, lack of coordination, twitching, seizures, loss of control over urination and/or defecation, and most terrifying of all, extreme changes in personality. The Toxoplasma Gondii parasite has the ability to effect neurotransmitters in your brain causing you to become neurotic, extremely aggressive, even schizophrenic. While this parasite can be found in humans, pigs, birds, and a whole slue of creatures, it can only reproduce in the small intestine of a cat. The way Toxoplasma Gondii ensures its survival is unsettling, to say the least. When the parasite infects a rat, it alters its host’s brain in a way which convinces the vermin to go towards the scent of cat urine- the exact opposite of what the animal’s instincts tell it to do. Its a lot like the plot of ‘The Happening’, only instead of ruining M. Night Shyamalan’s career and making people want to commit suicide (including his fans who saw the film), it does it to rats. Infected rats will faithfully hang out around areas that smell of cat urine, waiting for the cat to return and eat it. Obviously, these rats don’t WANT to be killed, but the parasite forces them to behave in this way. Once the Toxoplasma Gondii travels to the feline’s small intestine, it reproduces. Over the next few weeks MILLIONS of parasite eggs are expelled by way of the now infected cat’s feces. Rats find the cat’s paracite-laden feces, eat it, and so the Toxoplasma Gondii’s circle of life continues… Humans can come into contact with the parasite by eating contaminated pork that has not been cooked properly, or by cleaning the family cat’s litterbox, assuming Fluffy has recently contracted Toxoplasma Gondii. Once you have it, theres no getting rid of it (unless youre a cat, in which case it will expel itself as quickly as possible in hopes of finding yet another cat’s small intestine to reproduce inside of). Obviously, as is, Toxoplasmosis is not going to cause any end of world scenario to play out on a large scale; However, parasites certainly have the potential to evolve into something much nastier than they already are. Given the ability they have to lie dormant for wildly varying amounts of time before beginning to alter their host’s brain, they pose a huge problem. One day you’re fine, the next you’re convulsing and insisting Beyoncé is hiding in the tree outside your bedroom window, waiting for the right moment to kill you. When your loved ones assure you you’re mistaken, you become paranoid and assume they are plotting against you, so you beat them sensless with a cast iron skillet- all because you wanted to make ten bucks by checking in on your Aunt’s cat that one weekend she went to Atlantic City when you were twelve. And you didn’t even like that cat- or your Aunt. If parasites ever were to evolve or be modified by humans to the point that they could still operate their host’s brain post mortem, the entire world would be screwed. Since that has yet to occur naturally, it probably won’t for another million or billion of years or so. Unfortunately, scientific advancements far surpass the human race’s level of maturity and responsibility; Therefor, if scientists void of anything but the best intentions begin playing around with the capabilities of parasites, we could very easily kick off a real life Zombieapocalypse just as quickly as you can say, “They’re coming to get you, Barbara.”
For the animal lovers who are as concerned about Bart’s well-being as I was, he is expected to make a full recovery. Sadly, he will have one eye removed, which was severely damaged in the accident, and his broken jaw will have to heal before he is entirely back to his old self again. His owner, who was unable to afford Bart’s medical bills, has temporarily turned him over to the local Humane Society, which will fix him up free of cost. Bart will be returning home to his owner and feline brother just as soon as he is able. His brother, Bart’s owner claims, may have been responsible for recovering Bart from his grave. Although the cat was badly mangled and dehydrated after being ran over by a car and prematurely laid to rest for five days, the neighbor says Bart was purring when she discovered him.